Homeschooling and Socialisation
I still remember some of those early conversations. When I finally mustered up enough courage to share the news of our decision to homeschool with loved ones. I remember the awkward silences and strange looks, followed by a series of uncomfortable questions for which I so wished to have had better answers to. Looking back, I know why we chose to homeschool, and I’ve seen first hand what it offers a family, but back then those questions would throw me into a whirl of doubt.
Probably the most common question asked whenever homeschooling is mentioned in conversations is about socialisation. So much research has been done and many articles and debates have been had but there still seems to be many misconceptions in the world about what homeschooling really looks like, specifically how it impacts the child’s socialisation.
Getting a better grasp of the terminology helped me form my own views and hopefully you can start to make some sense of it for yourself too.
What is the difference between socialisation and socialising?
In my experience, most people who ask questions about the “socialisation” of homeschooled kids seem to confuse two concepts: socialisation and socialising. Let’s pull out the dictionary for this one.
Socialisation
“Socialisation” according to Merriam Webster is:
“ 1 a : the process beginning during childhood by which individuals acquire the values, habits, and attitudes of a society
b : social interaction with others “
“Socialisation” according to Collins Dictionary is:
“the process by which people, especially children, are made to behave in a way which is acceptable in their culture or society. “
The socialisation of a child entails a focus on helping them understand how the world around them works and how they are expected to behave in various circumstances.
None of the definitions I could find mention the requirement for a child to attend a school to be socialised, in fact, I would argue that most of the socialisation a child needs happens outside of a school building. At school, a child learns the acceptable behaviour for attending school. They learn to be quiet and to sit still, how to not get in too much trouble and a few other behaviours required for a school to function in an orderly fashion.
But, as adults no longer attending school, we know that real life looks quite different from school and the skills you need to be a good and functioning adult in society are many and vast. School socialisation doesn’t teach children how to behave well and what is expected of you at the grocery store, on the road, at the beach, at the pool, at church, at a restaurant, at the theatre, at the aquarium, at an office, at a friend’s house, at the park, or any other place except school. It also does not teach them how to effectively engage with people from different walks of life, like an elderly person or perhaps a young baby.
Socialising
To “socialise” according to Merriam Webster is:
“to participate actively in a social group.”
“Socialising” according to Collins Dictionary is:
“the action of behaving in a friendly or sociable manner”
I would venture that what most, often well-meaning people might really be wondering about when you mention that your child is homeschooled, is this one: What they’re really concerned about is how your child would make friends and play with other children if they are “at home all day”.
Although every family’s style of homeschooling is as unique as that family, homeschooling does not mean your child never leaves the house! In fact, the flexibility and freedom offered to homeschoolers allow much more time in the week’s schedule for social interactions, play dates, dance lessons, bonding with family members of all ages, involvement in church events, and whatever else interests your child.
On the contrary, homeschooled children often have more opportunities for building meaningful friendships with other children. These friendships are deeper because are not merely based on the fact that they spend 6 hours a day in each other’s presence but on a shared passion, sport, or worldview, and they can last for many years.
A Christian perspective on the socialisation and socialising of our children.
At the end of October 2023, Life Church released a helpful series called: Parenting on Purpose. In the series, Pastor Craig Groeschel made a few very relevant statements when it comes to both the socialisation and socialising of our children that gave me a new perspective and appreciation for homeschooling.
He said that “who and what you expose your children to will shape who they become and what they believe.”
Children, like the rest of us, become more and more like the people we spend extended amounts of time with. In a school setting, you as a parent have very little control over the people and views your children are exposed to. Even in Christian schools your child could be surrounded with and learn from individuals with morals and values very different from that of your own family.
Pastor Craig also said that “you can’t pick your children’s friends, but you can influence the environment you put them in”.
This is important in the younger years but as children grow older and enter their teens this becomes even more vital. Teenagers typically turn more towards peers and other influences outside of the home, and there may be time where the influence of their parents reduces. You want to help ensure your child spends time in environments where they are more likely to find friends with a similar value system to that of your family.
*This series, and more is available to watch for free on YouTube. Go check it out for yourself: Raising Children to Love God in 2023
The goal is to set your children up for success in life and help them to avoid mistakes that would permanently change their lives. We want to give them enough freedom and choices to allow them to learn from bumps and bruises, but we want to avoid permanent, painful scars.
So, how do you socialise a child? How can my homeschooler make friends?
Homeschooled children can take part in various clubs and activities just like their school-going peers. Get to know your child well and actively look for opportunities that suit their personalities and interests.
Something to caution against is the temptation to fill up your child’s schedule too much. We sometimes feel we need to overcompensate when it comes socialising, and you really don’t need to. You know your kid, so follow their interest and try things until you find a rhythm and diversity of activities that serves your family without causing stress. DO NOT be afraid to cut back if things feel out of control. Your kids will thank you.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Meet-ups and playdates: You can reach out to friends and family and organise to see them. If you don’t have family nearby you can look for local homeschool Facebook groups and reach out to other families in your area that you could meet at the park or playground.
- Extracurricular activities and clubs: This is a great place for your child to make friends with children with similar interests while learning new skills they are passionate about.
- Homeschool co-ops: These can offer your kids the opportunity to learn new things while spending time with other homeschoolers.
- Church community: Spending time serving at your local church will help your children get to know the church and the community, make friends with the kids of other serving parents, and encourage them to get involved in serving others at church themselves.
How can I help my introverted child make friends?
If your child is more introverted and struggles to make new friends, make it a priority to teach him or her good etiquette in this area. Try looking for good resources and books that are age appropriate and work through them together. Role-playing scenarios and practicing good and respectful responses to others has worked wonders for us in this area. It can remove a lot of the anxiety for a child and help them respond better to others in the moment.
As a parent, you know your child better than anyone and you are best placed to access where the gaps might be in your child’s social life. Prayerfully seek God’s wisdom as you work to build a community around your family and your child who can invest in your child’s wellbeing. Choosing to homeschool your children may always come with a side of awkward questions and unsolicited advice, but God gave those children to you for a reason. If He has called you to homeschool, do it with diligence and put your trust in Him.